Round and round the mulberry bush
Forgiveness is not about condoning what the other person did. It’s about us as individuals giving up the hope of changing the past. When you carry that hope it takes up an incredible amount of space in your heart and mind and impedes a person’s ability to move forward to their fullest potential.
This is of course different then apologies. Apologies come from the person who did the wrong. It comes with more than a hang dog expression and sad little “I’m sorry” from the wrong doer. An apology comes with and explanation of what that person is sorry for, how they should have handled the situation and an offer of amends. Accepting the apology is 100% up to the person wronged. Not accepting a sincere apology? See the first paragraph. This in no way implies this is easy. If you think about it all of our emotions and feelings and motivation come from love or fear. Carrying around other peoples shit (OPS) gives a lot of space and power to that wrong doer to keep a person occupied and not focused on their own life success.
This is also the reason we should not force our children to apologize. It should come from the heart and most the time children are only sorry they caught. Forcing them teaches them that all they have to do is say they are sorry without any thought behind why it was wrong or the affect it had on the other person and besides kids are not really wired to do that. We can talk about that another time.
Amends are something we do in the name of or the spirit of the person we did wrong. Although it can appease the victim, it may re-victimize them as well depending on what wrong was done. Amends if made directly to the victim are not the victim making demands but actions taken by the person responsible for the wrong to make right what they did and if this cannot be actually or literally made right it should represent a right. It’s not some grand gesture made publicly because that reflects on the amender more than the victim. The purpose of amends is not to seek grandeur on the part of the wrong doer.
Ok class… discuss
Post script…. This was written without the aid of my reading glasses….mostly because fat girl ninjas have perfect eyes and only wear the glasses to throw off the public as to their true identities….
I have a kid who apologized to me for doing something wrong. His wrong caused him to be a felon. His conviction was severely disappointing to me. I paid $6000 to keep him from prison.In actuality if someone I loved was his victim I may have hunted him down and killed him for it. Now it is over and I am still not pleased by his actions. The repercussions on him make my heart hurt. This is not the child I gave birth too. My son, has put this past him as well as he can and drives forward with his live. I have no choice but to forgive him. I will never see my $6000. I will never talk about who my kid should vote for. I will never have to worry about filling out his FAFSA. I should be relieved. He is relieved. I have to accept his apology. I do on most days. I have to love him through this. No angst on my part can change the past. Forgiveness is my most peaceful option.
ReplyDelete