Ninja Pirate Witch

Every time it rains, she who must not be named stands by my bed, rocking back and forth and tells me it’s raining, thundering or lightening until it stops.  It rained most of last night. I do not get to sleep much during this time.  I was up most of last night.  So the plan this morning?  I had to get up this morning to do some laundry, and then doze in the chair for a good part of the day.  Being a ninja, i must keep parts of my life to myself to maintain the feng shui of my energy just right.  I planned on performing the sacred recliner/ old folk’s news show ritual this morning and that requires no interruptions.  I think my arch enemies are plotting against me as the phone has rung four times, the man cub came over with stuff of his sisters he said he would move and i am sure i said could go in the garage... not the basement, the nice old retired guy who shags the hyper religious spinster came over to offer help, the dogs have barked ad nauseam, she who must not be named has wanted to talk more in the last four hours then she has in the last 25 years.  Did my I mention I took delivery of the new appliances yesterday?  Did I mention they are all in my living/dining room?  Did I mention that I live in about 900 sq. feet and have two bedrooms, a living room, dining room, kitchen and bathroom?  You do the math… there is not a lot of room in any room…. Maybe I need some Ninja hormone replacement.  Maybe I need a wand… I could switch teams… become a witch….maybe I could change to the pirate team and get my own ship and sail the high seas and be a Ninja Witch Pirate ….. This is all suspiciously sounding like I am looking for a circus to run away and join….. Maybe i could just do the laundry, make a nice church face at the neighbors and children and deny my own needs….. I think I’m going back to bed

apology amends forgiveness... thoughts of a fat girl ninja during a very boring shift where the internet was broken

Round and round the mulberry bush

Forgiveness is not about condoning what the other person did.  It’s about us as individuals giving up the hope of changing the past.  When you carry that hope it takes up an incredible amount of space in your heart and mind and impedes a person’s ability to move forward to their fullest potential.

 This is of course different then apologies.  Apologies come from the person who did the wrong.  It comes with more than a hang dog expression and sad little “I’m sorry” from the wrong doer.  An apology comes with and explanation of what that person is sorry for, how they should have handled the situation and an offer of amends.  Accepting the apology is 100% up to the person wronged.  Not accepting a sincere apology?  See the first paragraph.  This in no way implies this is easy.  If you think about it all of our emotions and feelings and motivation come from love or fear.  Carrying around other peoples shit (OPS) gives a lot of space and power to that wrong doer to keep a person occupied and not focused on their own life success. 

This is also the reason we should not force our children to apologize.  It should come from the heart and most the time children are only sorry they caught.  Forcing them teaches them that all they have to do is say they are sorry without any thought behind why it was wrong or the affect it had on the other person and besides kids are not really wired to do that.  We can talk about that another time.

Amends are something we do in the name of or the spirit of the person we did wrong.  Although it can appease the victim, it may re-victimize them as well depending on what wrong was done.  Amends if made directly to the victim are not the victim making demands but actions taken by the person responsible for the wrong to make right what they did and if this cannot be actually or literally made right it should represent a right.   It’s not some grand gesture made publicly because that reflects on the amender more than the victim.  The purpose of amends is not to seek grandeur on the part of the wrong doer.

Ok class… discuss

Post script…. This was written without the aid of my reading glasses….mostly because fat girl ninjas have perfect eyes and only wear the glasses to throw off the public as to their true identities….

Fat Girl Ninja on lawn care

I am just as in favor of caring for ones garden as the next person; however as i write this at six AM i do think running the string trimmer this time of day is excessive.  My lovely 86 year old three times widower neighbor has been happily shagging the hyper religious 63 year old spinster two doors down for nearly 8 years.  Of course since there is no such thing as premarital sex, or really sex other then that for procreation,  the attempted stealth of this shag -o- thon is high.  I would like to tell you that only a fat girl ninja with extraordinary powers could detect this scandalous affair .... but i would be lying.  The whole of neighborhood knows, but being sensitive to people we care for we dont put it in their face.  So why talk about such mundane crap?  well it goes back to the 6:00 AM aspect of this whole tale...or would it be tail....as in getting some tail or NOT getting some tail.... My thoughts on folks who work so fricking hard on lawn care are that a perfect lawn is a sign of some kind of repression....mostly sexual but.... who am i to say (really i have several undergraduate and one graduate degree, not to mention ninja powers of perception that allow me to say)  My lovely  three times widower neighbor LOVES his lawn.  On normal times he is very careful about mowing in different directions each time so he doesn't screw up the mow lines, he has a yard stick that is marked so all he has to do is gently poke it into his grass to see if the grass is longer then is acceptable. He grows lovely flowers and well shaped shrubs in all the appropriate places that never have so much as a stray twig or out of place peddle.  This obsession with lawn care goes so far as him having a garage business fixing garden cutting tools.... so where the fuck is this going?  I am thinking she does not put out as much has he would like  or she is not inclined to Faire une pipe.  When this lack is heightened by her annual pilgramage to some unnamed jesusfest it ups the frustration and he breaks out the string trimmer at 6 AM.  

The problem was solved when the neighbor; whose wife, based on his own claim is proficient at faire une pipe came out and started yelling and gave the entire neighborhood an unrefined example of using the word fuck in several aspects of the English language.

First posting of a real life fat girl ninja

Fatgirl Ninja Blog take one:

So this is my first attempt at a blog.... i'm assuming its like talking only with out the annoying aspect of people not really wanting to hear what your saying as they have to come here to see what/if i posted.  Fair warning, i am bad at typing and what ever i lack in the bad typing department i more then make up for in the really sucky spelling department....  I dont worry to much though....at this point i think all the grammar Nazi's are running away screaming pulling their hairs out.

So me.... im a fat girl... a ninja ....and a social worker.... also a mom,  three kids....22, 23, and 24... yes i know what causes that.

I work as an advocate in a domestic abuse and sexual assault crisis center.  Some people say this would be the most depressing job they could imagine.  In fact it is not.  It is the best job i have ever had in my life.  So much so its not even really a job, but more of a thing to do when im not at home.

So...down to the fat girl ninja..... i had a total knee replacement in march of this year,  and for lunch i am walking for exercise with one of my coworkers and best friends (same person).  She is NOT a fat girl in reality but if you have ever seen her party you would wonder what miracle of nature allowed that to happen LOL, im just saying the girl can throw down when it comes to food and wine.  So again, walking.... i tripped... now im only 46 years old but i used to weigh 500lbs so.... im kinda fluffy and squishy at the same time....i tripped and really did not want to fall on my new knee....its like that first scratch on the 30k car....i did this amazing tuck and roll...i mean i went into this face first...both hands got scuffed and somewhere between standing and the face plant i figured out that i needed to somehow deflect my weight onto my left side and protect my right knee at all costs.....mission accomplished.  Not only did i do it but i did not rip or grass stain any of my clothes....pound one out on that futha muckers .... ok well nearly nine am and that his when the shit hits the fan in these parts.  Fat Girl Ninja out